Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
