If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
