she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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