Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
