You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
