If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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