I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
