Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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