I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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