I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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