I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
