break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
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I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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