I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
