We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
