he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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