Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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