i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
