I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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