I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
