Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
