R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
