we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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