You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
