Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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