Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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