do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
