the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
