so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
