Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
