don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
