walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
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she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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