I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
