ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
