WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
