just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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