Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
