you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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