There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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