the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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