ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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