he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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