I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
