I think my fart just growled at me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
