This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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