she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
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I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
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Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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