those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
