That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize