mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize