i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His hands were made for my vagina.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
