sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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