I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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