I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
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Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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