i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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