Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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