you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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