Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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